I’d Never Felt So Alone

“As Christians, we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift–as God’s gift–so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God.”
~ Henri Nouwen ~


Just five years ago I was married, happily serving God, being the best mom I could be, and completely unaware that my life was about to change completely. With all due respect to my former husband and the father of my children I want to start by saying that we all make mistakes and some of them can be very costly. Such was the case for what transpired in our marriage. Of all the things that I had to deal with in the midst of our marriage I never thought that infidelity would be one of them. I also never imagined myself as being unfaithful however, I was wrong.

After finding out about his affairs and the current one that had been going on for quite some time, I had finally had enough. He had already not been living in our home for months so the required waiting period was already met. Our divorce happened within weeks. That is when reality set in and God began to speak. Looking back I don’t know how I made it through except that I had God and some very caring friends who loved me more than I deserved. They put up with a lot from me as I went through different stages of discovering who I was and who God wanted me to be.

My very first weekend without my boys was the worst and also the best. I didn’t know then just how much God was dealing with me. I tried and tried to fall asleep but I just couldn’t. I tossed and turned. I would dream for a few minutes and then wake up. I heard God talking to me. I sensed a change taking place. I felt God ripping off layer upon layer of the person I made myself to be because I thought it was what others wanted. It was painful in every literal sense of the word. I felt excruciating physical, mental and spiritual pain. God then revealed to me that I had unknowingly made my former husband a false God. My cares for what he wanted from me tended to take precedence over what God wanted from me. Except in the case of my infidelity…. my job.

I worked for a ministry that I poured my heart and soul into. I worked for them for free for a year before I was brought on board as an employee. Can I tell you I was dedicated? I edited and wrote for the ministry newspaper, I designed the graphics and media, I organized and scheduled the fundraisers, I was a youth leader for the teens, I helped plan and put on our many outreach productions as well as many other things. I took my work home. I left home to go to work when I wasn’t on the clock. I talked about work when I wasn’t there. My affair was with my job, or my ministry as I preferred to call it.

But just like anything that we put before God, He will take it away from us because He is a jealous God. Less than three months after my divorce the church was forced to shut down operation of almost all of it’s ministries. Nearly all of the employees were let go, including me. Within just 5 months time my brother was sent to Iraq, I was divorced, I lost my job, and I had to temporarily say good-bye to quite a few close friends. I had never been so alone. As ironic as it sounds, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

God revealed to me exactly when I had changed to please everyone. He showed me where I (yes, I) had gone wrong in my marriage. He showed me that I needed to forgive my former spouse for myself and my children. He held me as I cried and brought back to remembrance those times when He had made Himself known to me. I wanted to be the person He wanted me to be and I decided that night that I wasn’t going to stop pressing in until He granted me what I needed to do it. I felt like Maxon must have felt when he wrestled all night with God. I too walk with a limp, a spiritual one. God reminds me that the limp is so that I can lean on Him to walk through this life.

God gave me the gift of Himself during my times of loneliness. He walked with me on the beach, and rode with me in the car. He sat with me on the front steps to look out at the stars. He took my hand and held on tight when I was scared. I was constantly reminded of how beautiful He thought I was. He gave me the vision of Himself waiting for me at the altar and I felt the overwhelming joy of knowing that He had chosen me for this lifetime. He could have put anyone else in this place at this time but HE chose ME! I realized that day that I didn’t need any man on this earth to be happy. I was complete and more than satisfied with God by my side. I had truly given that need for a man up to God. I laid it down on the altar. No longer was anyone else before Him. Five weeks later I met the man He chose for me to spent the rest of my life with. Isn’t He amazing? God, I mean! :o)

Faith is blind. Hope is vision. Love is tangible.

I had no idea then what I was asking God to do that night. I still only see a very small portion of it, yet I can’t thank Him enough. I am complete in Him, I have a closer more meaningful relationship with my children, He has given me a glimpse into the calling He has for my life, and He has given me the man He chose for me. I must say that I couldn’t have picked a better one for myself…. truly.

Thank you God for loving me, for choosing me, and for blessing me.

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