I’m such a girl!

“Gentleness is part of being feminine – part of being a woman and God made us distinctly different from men on purpose.”
Melanie Chitwood

I am almost ashamed to admit this but… there was a time when I did not want to be a woman. Let me clarify this, I didn’t want to be a man or anything. I still wanted to be a female, I just didn’t want to act like a woman. You see, in the house where I grew up, my feminine role model was a bit out of sorts.

My mother was a childlike, Rx addicted, bipolar mess. She would cry for days at at time just to get attention. She would go shopping and spend all of our money then blame it on PMS then she would throw a pity party and invite us all. I stayed up night after night listening to her talk about suicide because of all she had been through in her life. I watched her manipulate us with her emotions so many times and hurt us so deeply that I swore I would never be anything like her. For me, that meant no crying, no vulnerability, no emotional attachment. I especially strayed from relationships with women. It seemed as though all of my best girl friends always betrayed me or reminded me of my mother in some way.

At 15 I moved in with my grandparents full time and by the time I was 20 I had gotten married. My former spouse used to always say, “I just wish you would let me open the door for you.” I wouldn’t let him. That showed weakness. In fact, I used to have a saying that I would use anytime I caught myself being emotional or feminine, I would say, “Ugh, I’m such a girl”. It took years of praying and heartfelt repentance to bring me to a new place. It still wasn’t easy.

God answered my prayers though. He put two Christian men in my life who, after my divorce, took me under their wing and I honestly believe God used them to retrain me. They refused to let me open a door, pump gas, carry heavy things, and all of that other stuff. One of them, in one of the weakest moments of my life when I did cry said to me, “Don’t hide your face when you cry. It’s OK.” He was right. It was OK. The other reminded me constantly that I was indeed a girl and it was OK to act like one.

Had these two friends not been in my life I don’t think I ever would have accepted my husband. He was too much of a gentleman. He does so much for me, carrying in groceries, opening doors, cleans up, makes me ice cream, carries my books, and so much more and I love it! He makes me feel like a woman! This truly is what God meant for our lives as women. We are the soft, gentle, sometimes emotional ones. I embrace that now. I find joy in feminine things.

Another wonderful thing has happened in my life. My mother, the woman I detested for so long, is now mom again. A few months ago she nearly died. She became sick with a stomach virus and went untreated. All she drank for days was Dr. Pepper. She eventually became severely dehydrated and by the time she got to the hospital she was listless, hallucinating, had a dangerously low blood pressure and her kidneys had failed. They didn’t give us much hope at all. Her organs were shutting down.

My sister and I both laid hands on her and prayed. We anointed her with oil and trusted God to take care of her. After two days of treatment and procedures she began to respond. She improved daily over the next few days and was finally well enough to go home and with no long term damage. She is still the same woman but my self righteous attitude towards her is gone now. I began to see her as a person and not as a reason and excuse for my behavior. She is a wonderful woman with so much to offer. We still have a ways to go in our relationship but it is improving even daily.

Oh and God absolutely has a sense of humor. He gave me all boys. I get bugs instead of flowers, tackles instead of hugs, rocks and Legos in the dryer and ewe… the bathroom, gross! Now I do declare that we must have more estrogen in this house!