Celebration of Life

I was pregnant for my former husband before we were married. We set a date for the wedding, said our “I do”s and two weeks after we returned from our weekend getaway I went for a check up with my obstetrician. I was then told that after reviewing my previous ultrasounds they had discovered that my son had a form of dwarfism. I was 21 years old and crushed. I had a vision of a perfect baby and that was shattered instantly. I mourned. I cried. A part of me died. Although it was offered many times I never considered an abortion. I knew raising him might be difficult but I didn’t care. I couldn’t let go of my baby because he may or may not have medical problems but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t scared out of my mind.

Then one night in the bathtub, (God always speaks to me in the tub!) I remember weeping and speaking to God saying “why God, why? What did I ever do that was so wrong? Why do I deserve this?” I was heartbroken. I had never felt so alone, so confused, so sad in all of my life. What was I going to do? How could I raise this child? Would he ever be healthy? I continued crying out saying (and I remember all of this clearly), “God I know you died for me. I know you took away my sins. I know that you love me! Please, I can’t do this! Help me!” Then, the child they said I may never feel move inside of me, or who may never even walk, kicked me! I thought I was imagining things. I looked down at my belly in disbelief. He kicked me again!

Instinctively I took a deep breath and I went down under the water and came back up. I wiped the water from my face, I began to weep, my head cleared and I then realized my whole attitude had changed instantly. He was still the same baby I knew and loved before. He had not changed, it was my dreams for him that had. But none of that mattered now. My current frame of mind was “God, what did I ever do that was so right that you would trust me to raise this child? Why me? I really don’t deserve him.”

My anger and hurt turned to joy and thanksgiving.

I didn’t know it at that time but God had saved me and baptized me without the help of any person. Nudged by the Holy Spirit, I began seeking a church. I finally found one. I began to learn and grow, to sow seeds into the lives of others. Then one day God gave me revelation about the day He saved me….

The bible tells us that John leaped inside his mother’s womb when he sensed the presence of Jesus (Luke 1:41, 44 NKJV). Well, so did my Carsten on that day in August of 1996. He leaped inside my womb because he sensed the presence of our Holy God. I know this now. I also know of all those who were petitioning God on our behalf during those days.

God has since worked in my life in amazing ways. I watched my second son die and then through the power of prayer come back to life. I gave birth to yet another son under extreme circumstances. I felt the protection of a loving God from the abuse of a troubled, alcoholic husband. I have been given a gift of compassion for my afflicted mother and I have watched her grow by God’s grace. I held the hand of my grandfather as he passed from this earth to heaven. It was just as beautiful as when I watched my niece and nephew being born. There is nothing else like it in the world.

I stood in awe after God woke me up to pray for my brother, a soldier in Iraq, then receiving a phone call saying that he had just been saved from a near catastrophe.

I cried in horror when I found out that the man I had given 8 years of my life to was having an affair. I then breathed a sigh of relief when I tasted spiritual freedom for the first time. I felt an overwhelming peace the day I realized that only now can I feel and appreciate true joy since I have tasted the bitter sorrow of grief and pain. I then giggled as I realized that grandma had been right all along.

I live each day as though there is no tomorrow, especially since I now know there is a chance that there might not be. I am now in love with a man who would choose God over me and that brings me peace and joy. I smile when I look at my short-statured son running, flipping, jumping, and healthy as can be. He is perfect. Even though we no longer homeschool all of our boys I am intricately woven into every area of their life because I know it is what God wants me to do. I am their mother and no one knows them like I do. Only I can train them up in the way they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6 NKJV).

I have a heart for hurting women. They are so precious to God yet they feel so worthless. God has a ministry for me that is beyond what I could ever hope or imagine. I now know that I am willing to walk through whatever I must to get there because I know the end result will be worth it. There is no other way in my mind or my heart anyways. I want to please God. I want to love. I want to live in abundance and with God I do.

I have come to realize that I have a lot to change about myself; my mind, my attitude, my emotions, and my fears. I teach my children God’s ways not man’s ways so that they won’t have to grow up with the same mentality that I had. They are each unique and gifted in their own way. They have no need to fit into anyone’s mold. I want them to be the little men God pre-destined them to be. I pray for my former spouse daily. He is a good man with a compassionate heart and he will always be one of the biggest influences my children have. We have all fallen short and it is not my place to judge him or anyone else. I have forgiven him and my parents for not meeting my expectations. I have also repented to God for having those expectations to begin with. God must be everything to me. He is my source of joy. He is my provider. He has given me so much and I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I’ve walked on the beach during sun set, I’ve tasted the salt of the sea, I’ve climbed mountains to witness the glory of God in a landscape view. I’ve stopped running just to bask in the drops of rain and I’ve smelled the color of spring. I’ve heard the beautiful sound of the word “mama”, I’ve laid in a hammock with the man I love in the sweet evening air, and I’ve been pelted by a snowball while trying to take a picture. Now to think… this is only the beginning.

Thank you, God. Thank you.