I was pregnant for my former husband before we were married. We set a date for the wedding, said our “I do”s and two weeks after we returned from our weekend getaway I went for a check up with my obstetrician. I was then told that after reviewing my previous ultrasounds they had discovered that my son had a form of dwarfism. I was 20 years old and crushed. I had a vision of a perfect baby and that was shattered instantly. I mourned. I cried. A part of me died. Although it was offered many times I never considered an abortion although I knew raising him might be difficult.
Then one night in the bathtub, (God always speaks to me in the tub!) I remember crying profusely and speaking to God saying “why God, why? What did I ever do that was so wrong? Why do I deserve this?” I was heartbroken. I had never felt so alone, so confused, so sad in all of my life. What was I going to 
do? How could I raise this child? Would he ever be healthy? I continued crying out saying (and I remember all of this clearly), “God I know you died for me. I know you took away my sins. I know that you love me! Please, I can’t do this! Help me!” Then, the child they said I may never feel move inside of me, or who may never even walk, kicked me! I thought I was imagining things. I looked down at my belly in disbelief. He kicked me again!
Instinctively I took a deep breath and I went down under the water and came back up. I wiped the water from my face, I began to weep, my head cleared and I then realized my whole attitude had changed instantly. He was still the same baby I knew and loved before. He had not changed, it was my dreams for him that had. But none of that mattered now. My current frame of mind was “God, what did I ever do that was so right that you would trust me to raise this child? Why me? I really don’t deserve him.”
My anger and hurt turned to joy and thanksgiving.
I didn’t know it at that time but God had saved me and baptized me without the help of any person. Nudged by the Holy Spirit, I began seeking a church. I finally found one. I began to learn and grow, to sow seeds into the lives of others. Then one day God gave me revelation about the day He saved me….
The bible tells us that John leaped inside his mother’s womb when he sensed the presence of Jesus (Luke 1:41, 44 NKJV). Well, so did my Gevan on that day in August of 1996. He leaped inside my womb because he sensed the presence of our Holy God. I know this now. I also know of all those who were petitioning God on our behalf during those days.
God has since worked in my life in amazing ways. I watched my second son die and then through the power of prayer come back to life. I gave birth to yet another son under extreme circumstances. I felt the protection of a loving God from the abuse of a troubled, alcoholic husband. I have been given a gift of compassion for my afflicted mother and I have watched her grow by God’s grace. I held the hand of my grandfather as he passed from this earth to heaven. It was just as beautiful as when I watched my niece and nephew being born. There is nothing else like it in the 
world.
I stood in awe after God woke me up to pray for my brother, a soldier in Iraq with the 256th Infantry Brigade, 1088th Battalion, then receiving a phone call saying that he had just been saved from a near catastrophe.
I cried in horror when I found out that the man I had given 8 years of my life to was having an affair. I then breathed a sigh of relief when I tasted spiritual freedom for the first time. I felt an overwhelming peace the day I realized that only now can I feel and appreciate true joy since I have tasted the bitter sorrow of grief and pain. I then giggled as I realized that grandma had been right all along.
I live each day as though there is no tomorrow, especially since I now know there is a chance that there might not be. I am now in love with a man who would choose God over me and that brings me peace and joy. I smile when I look at my short statured son running, flipping, jumping, and healthy as can be. He is perfect. Even though we aren’t secure financially, I home school my boys because I know it is what God wants me to do. I am their mother and no one knows them like I do. Only I can train them up in the way they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6 NKJV). I have a heart for hurting women. They are so precious to God yet they feel so worthless. God has a ministry for me that is beyond what I could ever hope or imagine. I now know that I am willing to walk through whatever I must to get there because I know the end result will be worth it. There is no other way in my mind or my heart anyways. I want to please God. I want to love. I want to live in abundance and with God I do.
I have come to realize that I have alot to change about myself; my mind, my attitude, my emotions, and my fears. I teach my children God’s ways not man’s ways so that they won’t have to grow up with the same mentality that I had. They are each unique and gifted in their own way. They have no need to fit into anyone’s mold. I want them to be the little men God pre-destined them to be. I pray for my former spouse daily. He is a good man with a compassionate heart and he will always be one of the biggest influences my children have. We have all fallen short and it is not my place to judge him or anyone else. I have forgiven him and my parents for not meeting my expectations. I have also repented to God for having those expectations to begin with. God must be everything to me. He is my source of joy. He is my provider. He has given me so much and I have so many reasons to be thankful.
I’ve walked on the beach during sun set, I’ve tasted the salt of the sea, I’ve climbed mountains to witness the glory of God in a landscape view. I’ve stopped running just to bask in the drops of rain and I’ve smelled the color of spring. I’ve heard the beautiful sound of the word “mama”, I’ve laid in a hammock with the man I love in the sweet evening air, and I’ve been pelted by a snowball while trying to take a picture. Now to think… this is only the beginning.
Thank you, God. Thank you.
Related Articles:
The Special Needs Christian
When Your Child Doesn’t Die
To Protect and To Serve
Our Beautiful Outdoor Wedding
Be sure to check out the contest going on over at Proverbs 31 Ministries!
PDF 
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
This has really touched me in more ways than I can ever say! Thanks for sharing your story. I never tire of hearing how God works in our lives.
Beautiful post. I would love for you to submit it to the carnival of Christian Women.
http://blogcarnival.com/bc/cprof_2441.html
Amy — This was beautiful for me to read. It brought tears to my eyes.. first ones of grief and sadness and knowing how you felt, and then ones of joy! I am so glad to be able to truly get to know great women like you!
God bless,
Sallie
Wonderful post, Amy! Thanks for sharing so much of what must be close to your heart.
wow. just wow.
Amy, this was just beautiful…
What an awesome testimony you have.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence
is in him. Jeremiah 17:7
So grateful the Lord brought you in my life!
Oh wow, Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart. What an amazing God we serve! And yes, this is just the beginning!!!
What a beautiful post. You minister to many with your words.
Amy, your words are straight from God, and so relevant to my life, both past and present. Thank you for sharing, and I pray God continues to prompt you to share His words with us.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it. Your little men are handsome and so very lucky God picked YOU as their mama. Sometimes suffering is the tool God uses to refine and purify us… so that we can reflect His glory to those around us.
Amy,
This post really blessed me this morning. Thank you for sharing it.
Praying God will continue to bless you.
Amy Beth
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/MySmokyMtnHomeschool
Beautiful, inspiring and touching as always. You are an amazing woman, wife, mother, leader and child of God. Thank you for sharing your life and your heart!
Love ya girl!
Rachel
Wow Amy~
Thanks for the link and for sharing your story. Amazing and beautiful and so full of God!
Blessings friend!
Thanks for sharing a truly beautiful story of grace. You have grown much during such a short time, and I praise God that you have arrived at the place of love and forgiveness in your earthly relationships.
WOW, you definitely have a way of showing others how the LORD works in your life. My husband and I are teaching our youth group about character. Our next lesson is on love that God wants us to have for others. (not some mushy romantic feeling, love the action) Would it be alright if I read this in our class to show how you are showing love for your ex husband even though he is not the easiest person to love by the world’s standards?
Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I know that isn’t always easy but when we do it we are helping others as well as ourselves.
What a wonderful testimony you have about the grace, mercy and redemption that God has for us, sinners.
my blog: http://akhmmm.wordpress.com
I’m not even sure how to comment when I feel speechless. I am so touched, sitting here in tears. I love your perspective, and I desperately need a HUGE adjustment in my own.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for the encouraging words.
in His love
dianne
okay…..I’m sitting here in tears, sniffling because you revealed your heart…and what an incredibly beautiful heart it is….
What you just testified to is the power of GOD….obedience and submission…perfect submission…
Amy, those boys and that man are blessed beyond belief to have you to call mom and hon….
you are right, LIVE….LIVE….
that is EXACTLY why my blog is called…I will take it Lord, ALL you have to give…
man girl….
that was AMAZING….
I would not be who or where I am were it not for the trials and the fire to refine….
amen for that!!
It is a privilege to be a part of your life and these new home school ventures….you are simply beautiful!
hugs,
lori
Thanks for sharing your story, Amy. AMAZING! I love the part about being saved and baptized in the tub.
Oh Amy, your words have brought tears to my eyes. It is so beautiful to see how God is working in your life!
Girl, I’m just kinda happy that you’re my friend and that God put us on this planet at the same time!
love ya,
Darnelle
What a touching testimony of God’s work in your life! Thank you for sharing with all of us!
I agree with everyone else… What a beautiful post (and I feel God speaks to me in the shower at times
, and God will use your testimony to comfort and help others in their lives. Blessings Amy, you truly are an encouragement to all!!
Come by and participate in today’s meme if you get the chance again…
Amy, What a beautiful testimony your life is. The verses that come to mind are when Jesus tells the disciples that they are going to grieve while the world rejoices but to take heart that He will come again to them and they will know a joy that no man can take away (my paraphrase).
You have grieved while the world rejoiced around you. But what I really believe this verse is talking about is the discovery of joy. What I have discovered in my own circumstances of grief is that the joy is not some great feeling…. it is the discovery of Christ there in the midst of the circumstances to be enough. No one can ever take that away. That is joy that no man can take away.
When I read your testimony I see that you have discovered that joy that no man can take away.
Jesus, acquainted with sorrow and suffering, was enough for you in yours.
Some of my deepest, most intimate times with God have come as I sat weeping in the tub! Looks like you too!
Many blessings,
Julie
PS. Thanks for visiting my blog. It means alot to me.
Amy – what a joy to hear your testimony – it gave me a thrill to read about God’s visit to you in the bathtub! He is awesome.
Testimonies of what our Daddy has done are my favorite stories! I absolutely LOVE to hear how he has changed peoples’ lives! Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your openness.
Amy
It is a pleasure to meet you my dear sister. Thanks for sharing so transparently. What a blessing.
Thanks to everyone for such kind words. It means so much to me, thank you!
To Anonymous…
Yes, please feel free to read it to your youth group. I pray that it speaks to their hearts.
Oh my! Such beauty!! I love the perspective! I love “I have forgiven him and my parents for not meeting my expectations. I have also repented to God for having those expectations to begin with. God must be everything to me.”
This part really ministered to me! The entire post did but this part was a reminder of what God’s been showing me!
Blessings!
What beautiful picture of God’s grace that you are. Beautiful!
Blessings,
Miss Sandy
Hi, I don’t know how but I just stumbled upon your blog. I am from Singapore (nope! It is not part of China. It is a little island nation in Southeast Asia. Thank God for the internet where I can winess His mighty works all over the world!)
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your story. It touches me greatly. I am at a great turning-point in my life and I tend to look at my losses too often. But you taught me that I should not look at what I don’t have but look at what I have instead. What I have? The love and promises of the King of Majesty!
May not see you in this lifetime but I’ll see you when we get Home!
In His love,
Jing Er
http://jinger-gingerpig.blogspot.com/
Wow, what a beautiful post!! Thank you so much for sharing your heart!
What a beautiful testimoney. I am inspired by your unwavering love for God. It’s incredible how He can touch us. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and sharing. It brought tears to my eyes. My path has been a little different, but I can relate to the rockiness and the turmoil. My heart goes out to you. Your boys are so blessed to have you for a mother!
Thanks so much for sharing your testimony! Its testimonies like this that will show God’s awesomeness! Thanks again for blessing me!
Wow!
Amy~that is a beautiful testimony! I so look foward to getting to knowyou better. Blessings to you and your beautiful family!!!
soooo encouraged to read your testimony. so beautiful. i feel i was definitely led here to read these words of hope tonight.
Hi Amy,
This was a beautiful testimony! I was encouraged by reading how God had brought you through serious obstacles, deep hurts, and the wounds that we bring upon ourselves. That took a lot to share so much of your heart in such a public way! I admire you for that!
Happy Easter!
Stephanie
I know this post is older but I wanted to say that you inspired me. I stumbled upon this message by accident and as I read it, it hit very close to home!
I too, always feel God’s presence when I am bathing. I made many revelations during a hot shower
And my world shattered when I found out that my husband was never honest with me ever since we first met! It went on for three years before I found out… so it destroyed me and I was consumed with anger for 6 entire months. It changed me into a different person.
Wow, I am sorry for rambling!! You must think me odd!
I love your blog, I love your message, keep up the good work!
I know this post is older but I wanted to say that you inspired me. I stumbled upon this message by accident and as I read it, it hit very close to home!
I too, always feel God’s presence when I am bathing. I made many revelations during a hot shower
And my world shattered when I found out that my husband was never honest with me ever since we first met! It went on for three years before I found out… so it destroyed me and I was consumed with anger for 6 entire months. It changed me into a different person.
Wow, I am sorry for rambling!! You must think me odd!
I love your blog, I love your message, keep up the good work!
Amy,
I hopped over here today from CWO Cafe. I was looking for a Bible study and love P31 so your blog title caught my eye. What a powerful testimony. You are truly a life that brings glory to God! Keep sharing it because it will touch so many…you won’t know until eternity. Thanks because you touched me today. I continue to be amazed by this blogging just how many women our God touches…the media just doesn’t get it. Blessings to you and your beautiful children.
You know, Amy, in as long as I’ve been reading your blog, I never realized all of this! I’m glad I decided to read your testimony today! It was so uplifting.
I was also pregnant with our first child before we married, and, while my story is different, it was that child that, I feel, began the real journey that led me to Christ- which would happen about 3.5 years later!
Great testimony. We have similar experiences from our marriages. If you have a minute, you can check out our story on my blog. It’s a five part story and I think God’s redemptive power will bless you even more.
Thankful to have found your blog, Amy.
I loved reading this! Makes me think of the song I sing at church, “Oh the sound of
salvation come.The sound of rescued ones. And all this for a king…”
It’s beautiful!!!
Sheila
Thank you Amy, a truly inspirational testimony, and proof that God works for the good of those who love Him. Thank you again, Paula
I am a homeschooling mom of 4 and I am new to reading your site and I stumbled across your testimony. I don’t know really what possessed me to read it. It was only until it was done that I knew why! Your testimony is much like mine! I was in much need of encouragement this morning and am thankful that I came to this page. I see all that you are doing and it inspires me to more! Now if only I could find some work at home!!
praise God. thank you for sharing this with us.
your testimony is amazing and beautiful!
Amy,
I’m so glad that you stopped in at Joy Comes In The Morning. I pray that you’ll hop over to Higher Grounds, for my heart is to help hurting women as well to know that if God could can, will and DID take a woman like me, and change me and mold me to be more like Him, then hold on to the reigns for they are in for a ride of their lives! I have posted my testimony where you stopped in, down in November.
I read your’s and I love that you chose life and how God saved you and baptized you, Himself. WAY TO GO GOD!
One of my dearest friends, chose life as well after the badgering for an abortion and I’m telling you her little Kuper is just the best thing that ever happend to ME! He is a Dwarf, and will turn 3 in March. What a smart, loving, beautiful little boy!
Just like the miracle of your precious first son.
Love to you,
Yolanda
Amy….You spoke and captured my heart at the beginning of your session with AWI.
I stand, where you once stood, holding back the tears and keeping the emotions contained.
You once again have touched my heart deeply with your words here. I also recently realized that I need to change me. My mind, my attitude and my emotions. I pray for a softened heart that will one day allow me to cry the tears I so desperately want to release.
AWI was such a blessing to me and today I have missed all the chatting we all shared.
Thank you for your words here. I repeat what others have said..wow! You touched my heart!