But They're My Family Too!

I have no idea when it occurred but at some point during the crazy divorce process, I took on the belief that I could no longer refer to my husband’s family as my own. Yes, even though his sister was like a sister to me and his mom taught me much of what I know about domestics, I thought I had to let them go, and I did.

For well over a year we didn’t speak to each other. All communication for visiting the kids was done through my former spouse. Then one day it dawned on me that it didn’t have to be this way. They were my family too. My divorce decree did not banish my rights to them.  I realized that several things had stopped me before and I had to fix them.

1. Fear of the unknown. What if they talked about things that made me uncomfortable? That would be awkward, wouldn’t it? Yes, it was but it was no different than any other awkward situation and I’ve made it through plenty of those. They also knew me well enough to sense that I wasn’t okay with speaking about certain things so they didn’t. It’s all part of being a family.
2. Taking sides. I was afraid that if I put myself back in the equation that my “bonus” family would feel as though I was making them choose sides. This uneasiness was calmed when my sis-in-love (her new name) told me that she was on the kid’s side and that is the only side anyone should be on. Amen!
3. Painful memories. I assumed that if we were all together again that eventually the “remember whens” would begin to flow and I’d get sappy or bitter. I didn’t want that to happen. But, I was pleasantly surprised to find that when they did begin to flow it eased the pain and anger that my children were feeling. They began to understand that mama and daddy did have good times. It also opened the door to for deep conversations about what they were going through. You’d be surprised at the emotions a four-year-old can suppress.

I later learned that the only reason they had not contacted me before was because they knew I needed time. I am thankful for that and I hope that if you have this same issue that you would consider a reunion. The simplest way to do it is to make the decision and start walking towards it. It may not be a fairytale but it can be beneficial to everyone’s well being and it makes the kid’s birthdays so much easier to deal with!