She Speaks is Gearing Up Again – Why I Want to Go!

Lysa TerKeurst just posted that the 2009 She Speaks Conference is nearly half full. Oh. My.

Lord, I pray that you give me a seat.

Lysa is also hosting a scholarship opportunity. We simply have to write about why we want to go. Can I tell you that this is difficult for me? I always believe someone else is more worthy than I am. I want to go but I have had a tendency to believe the reasons others want to go trumps my own. I readily accept it when someone else is chosen and even cheer for them, with a pure heart. But I do believe that there were some issues going on with that and this year something has changed.

The problem I have had in the past is that I have obviously not believed some of God’s Word until this year. He says that I am worthy because of Him and that I am chosen by Him to do certain things. He told me that I am to write. He told me what to write about. He allowed experiences in my life to give me a foundation from which I could minister to others who are walking through the same things: growing up with an addicted mother, unplanned pregnancy, a child born with dwarfism, an abusive husband, near death of a child that lead to an emotional detachment, divorce, blended family, and healing from many broken friendships with women. What I’ve learned is that even though God gave me these experiences to learn and grow and glorify His kingdom, I’d taken something else from them that was not beneficial to me. I began to feel unworthy.

I began to truly believe that I deserved to be abused. I figured no one else would ever love me anyway. Then when the marriage ended I felt as though my ministry was gone. What Christian woman would ever listen to me, a divorced, messed up mom who couldn’t even keep a female friend? I isolated myself. If they couldn’t get close to me then they would never figure out that I was so torn up inside.

I had it all wrong.

I gave it all to God. I loved my savior and I begged Him to change me. What I was going through was to remove the impurities. My childhood problems with my mother led me to live a very independent life. There was nothing I couldn’t do for myself. The experiences in my life gave me the opportunity to depend on Him instead of myself. If my son wouldn’t have been born with a condition then I may not have given my life so fully to Him. Had my former spouse not been abusive then I fear I may have never known how to truly appreciate a man (my current & lifelong husband) who treats me like a queen. I know God didn’t like watching me go through it but He knew the outcome would be worth it. My former husband stripped away my entire support system. All I had left was my relationship with Christ. When my son died and was then miraculously revived, I so pondered the mistakes I made that day and relived the moments so much that I accepted his death. I became emotionally detached. I had to work on building a strong bond with him and that led to a stronger relationship with my other children as well. I was taught by God what love really is.

When I discovered that my then husband had had an affair with a woman from my church I prayed for her. Why? Months and months before, God had laid her on my heart because she was going through similar things with her husband. He prompted me to send her anonymous cards and scripture verses through the mail. I brought her gifts when her child was born. He’d wake me up at night to pray for her. It was really hard to hate someone that I had sowed so much of myself into. In fact, when my former spouse told me about the affair, I think I cared even more for her. I had even more compassion. I know now that God set it up that way. His hand has been upon my entire life.

Why do I want to go? For the first time in my life I can say that I am worthy of the chance to go and that I need to. I am worthy of this opportunity. I’ve finally learned that I can’t do it alone and I wasn’t meant to. Ministering to women is not easy. I know. I am one. But God has chosen this for me and I am up for the challenge. I need guidance from women who have been there. I want to connect with others like me. I want to bare my soul and continue the purification process God is putting me through. I know that I know I should be at this conference.

I hope I win because at this point I truly can’t afford to go. We recently lost a vehicle in an accident and my husband is going through a transition with God that has ultimately led us to have less finances and more dependence on Him. I can see how we need this but it makes it difficult at times. I don’t have an income anymore since I gave up my blog design business to do what God said I need to do: write and minister to women. I do that online through many venues and I am currently planning my first book. I want to make sure I do it right. I am accountable to God for this and I want to finish my race well.

I received a text the other day from a friend. It said, “God said it is time for you to write that book.” When I talked to her she said she had such a strong sense that I hadn’t been listening to God and that I needed to know that I have to start this. She was right. I had been putting the whole writing thing aside. Why?

I didn’t feel worthy. That was great for others but not for me. I can’t even compare to some of the writers out there and I shouldn’t. You only compare for the purpose of choosing one over the other. This is not a competition. There is no competition in ministry. Only every member functioning as He designed it to. What had I been thinking before?

I finally understand.

I had been so wrong. I know different now. I’m ready to begin the process. I’m ready to get over myself and move forward with Him. I need this opportunity because I know I can’t do it alone. We are His body. We are all a part of the process. I want to do my part so I can help others do theirs. I want to learn how to use my gifts to be a better servant.

Please consider my request span> and thank you so much to Lysa and the entire team at Proverbs 31 Ministries. I hope that you all know just how much you touch our lives and bless us all. Your ministry truly is a breath of fresh air. I am so thankful to have had the privilege of knowing first hand just how true, humble, and sincere your hearts are for God. Thank you all for being an example and for training other women to go out and begin ministries of their own. You ladies amaze me!

{praying that 2009 will be the year I finally get to attend}