It is no secret that a child may have issues adjusting to a bonus parent who is suddenly dishing out discipline and running the house. I have found this to be especially true in a home full of boys. My oldest was especially defiant with my husband in the first few months of our marriage. At first we thought it might be because he missed his natural father and wanted to be with him but we soon realized that wasn’t the problem. He loves his bonus dad and even brags on him. They do so much together and love it so what was with the defiance?
Then it dawned on me: I think he may feel threatened. Although he does know his father and will always wish that he was with him, he still loves and accepts my husband as his dad and even welcomes it. Being that he is the oldest he always had to be the” man of the house.” When mommy was upset he comforted me. When the trash needed to be taken out, he did it. When I needed a break, he took care of his siblings (not really but in his mind he did).
He was feeling as though my husband was taking his place. He isn’t the “man of the house” anymore. That is why he was rebelling. I had to show him why he should be relieved of this duty like, “isn’t it good that you don’t have to do (insert duty here) anymore?” Or give him special attention by saying something like, “I just need a hug from you and I’ll be better.” I had to ask my husband to give him special jobs or even ask his opinion on things. We also play with him and engage in child like behavior with him often so he doesn’t grow up too fast.
It took a while for me to see what God was trying to show me but when He finally got through to me it was very obvious that this is what was wrong. My oldest had to be the “man of the house” even when I was married to his dad because his dad wasn’t always around. Then he took on even more when his dad left so he didn’t adjust too well when my husband came into the picture. It took prayer and some of the things I listed above to help him to adjust – and we are still working on it. Males have a natural desire to lead the family. If the rightful person isn’t doing it, then they will take care of the women in their life no matter how old they are. If your son is going through something similar, then just help him to remember to be a kid again. Ask him how he feels or what he thinks about things often and you will learn a lot from him.
