Today is Mark’s birthday. He would be 36 years old. The boys would have called him to wish him a happy birthday and he would have told them what they would be doing this weekend to celebrate. I don’t know where he would take them but I assure you it would involve cheesecake and a steak. Those were his favorites. And boy, oh boy if we didn’t call early enough we’d start getting some messages like, “did you lose your calendar?” and “do I have to sing to myself?” You didn’t forget his birthday. He wouldn’t allow it. In fact, each year he declared the week of his birthday his “birthday week”. That’s right, he thought he should have an entire week to celebrate and he took it.
He’s been gone for 1o months now. I can hardly believe that. My body went tense as I typed it. This journey has been hard. There are days when we are numb. There are days when I have to remind the boys not to try to forget. I know how kids naturally attempt to cope. I always want them to keep Mark alive in their hearts. I don’t want them to forget in an attempt to escape the pain they feel. Ryan and I make it a point to talk about him regularly. I want to be sad. I want to be angry. Every time I hold one of my babies as they sob I want to ask why. Just, why? There was so much left unsaid, undone. I just wish there would have been a chance to say goodbye. Even still, I know we did. God allowed and provided opportunity for much closure prior to Mark’s death. He had made peace and voiced his love to all of us. We were able to express things to him too. I just wish I’d known because I would have said more and listened to him with greater intent. I would have hugged him one last time.
The crying and the bad days come randomly: a TV show the boys remembered he watched, a place he wanted to take them, and a couple of weeks ago we found his hand prints in the cement patio at my mom and dad’s house. Years ago Mark helped lay the foundation and before it dried we all left our hand prints there and etched our name into it. I had forgotten all about it and the boys had never seen it. There has been a piece of furniture over it for years but recently my dad moved it. I’m glad he did. That was a present from God. The tears welled up as I sat their and watched my babies put their little hands in the concrete mold of their daddy’s. Monkey looked up and said, “Ma! Look. I can touch, my Daddy!”
Somehow my dad is going to reverse the mold so we can duplicate it and put it here, at our house, in a memorial garden. Then the boys will have somewhere to visit when they feel the need. In the end I think it will be better than visiting a cemetery anyway. The boys each have an idea of what they would like to incorporate into it. I know it will be beautiful when we finish it. My brother is going to help too. At 14 he moved in with us so Mark partly raised him. They were very close. I want him to be a part of this too.
As much pain as we have felt and continue to feel I can’t help but be happy today. Without this day 36 years ago we wouldn’t have been able to have the time we had with him. On August 25th, 1975 God granted Mark passage into this world so I celebrate today because it was a gift to us. I just wish it would have lasted longer. The boys have been asking what we’ll do for his birthday. I didn’t know what to tell them. Then as I was writing this it occurred to me. Perhaps we’ll have steak and cheesecake and then we’ll plan to go somewhere this weekend. That’s what he would have done. 
Happy Birthday, Mark. I didn’t lose my calendar this year and along with us I know there are thousands of angels rejoicing and singing Happy Birthday.You’ve been on our mind all week too so I guess you win. You get a birthday week even in heaven.
We love you. We miss you. We really wish you were still here but we know we’ll see you again in heaven.
If you would I ask that you’d say a prayer for my boys and my brother today. Also, for Mark’s parents and his siblings. I know today will be as rough for them as it is for us.
Amy, you are a blessing to so many in person and on line. Mark still is appreciative and so very proud of you, fond of all his wonderful memories with his birth and new family, and experiences joy with the prayer you shared as family. He’s still here, because spirits are everywhere. He is your strongest supporter, the boys’ new guardian angel, and his parents’ dream come true. Any time Jesus calls family to Him different from the usual oldest first, everything is backwards and in more turmoil. You have the strength to exude peace with your boys and your in-laws. I’m certain you are fully present to them, and build on every word. You don’t have to have answers, just be there.
Put your energy into that garden; perhaps each person left behind could have a sector or incorporate an idea to the memorial. Planning chairs/rocks will invite all of you to linger. If you read the paper together, you could read it by the garden…you get the idea. The garden will materialize because you have hope (hope is a wish with a lot more clout)! It will become your sanctuary.
I will offer my day for you, your boys, and your in-laws tomorrow, beginning with Mass. Consider yourself hugged.
Love, Susan Hawke
Wow, now I am crying. Praying for you guys.
(((hugs)))
We purposefully celebrate Christian’s birthday every year by having a family day. David takes off of work, no school, and we go do something FUN all day long. Usually it involves Chuck E Cheese, but I imagine that might change as the boys grow older.
When Noah was crying the other night, he told me that he wanted to always celebrate Christian’s birthday. It IS a day to be celebrated, isn’t it? The same with Mark’s… It is the day that God brought them into this world and began to intertwine our lives together. Definitely worth celebrating!
And WOW on that handprint. What a TREASURE!!!
Much love and prayers to you, your boys, and Mark’s parents.
Marshy
Amy,
I am praying for you, your boys and family. May God grant you His peace that passes all understanding.
Amy, my heart is hurting for you and the boys. Praying for you.
I just had to say this was an absolutely beautiful tribute. I am in tears for your loss. Praying peace, comfort, and joy!
I think having steak and cheesecake would be a wonderful way to honor Mark. As a family, we have a taco picnic (tacos from Del Taco and the picnic is where ever we decide it to be) and have Thrifty brand ice cream on my dad’ birthday and on the day he died (the day he was born to eternal life). He loved having taco picnic with his grandchildren and would take them for ice cream cones. What a blessing to have Mark’s handprints. Thank you for sharing your feelings, my prayers are with you today.
Amy, I’m praying for you all today. What a wonderful gift you are giving your boys, not only helping them to walk each day through the grief, but also helping them not to “grieve as the pagans do” without hope. To share the perspective of eternity with them is a really precious thing. May that hope be very real to you today too.
Amy, this is a beautiful tribute and an amazing birthday gift. I admire the example you have set for your boys. Will most definitely send up a prayer or two for you guys and Mark’s family today.
Amy, I am so sorry for your loss and for your boys. My prayers will be with your family today. I truly understand your pain as yesterday was the 8 month point since my husband Mark went to be with Jesus. It seems an eternity yet somedays feels like yesterday. I will be holding you up as you all face the challenges that lie ahead! Blessings, Cindy
I am SO sorry for youl loss. I had no idea. I will be praying as soon as I can stop crying. What a wonderful post. Bonni from mombyexample
Im praying for you and your family.
I almost couldn’t read this through the tears. I’m praying for you and your family today. Blessings, my friend.
Praying hard for you and your family today Amy.
Amy, I pray that today you and your boys will find joy and peace. Blessings to you….
Amy, praying unspeakable peace for you and your family.
Praying for you all today. ~Psalm 34:18
praying for all of you….